Mar. 26th, 2008 | 01:44 pm
I haven't written in here for awhile so I thought I'd write down a few things I have been feeling lately. Nothing really has seemed to change in my life, and I can't help but feel lost. I feel as though I'm always moving in slow motion and everything around me is happening too fast. Like I am stuck in the same point, with the same habits and feelings, and everyone around me is progressing and moving on without me. I feel insignificant and small, as though I'll never amount to anything, or never be recognized for my achievements. I AM DISORDERED, and it is a piece of my personality. IT is not usually a phase, and it is not necessarily indicative of madness. This, thing, that has seemingly plagued me for a good chunk of this year, is not only maddening to me, but everyone around me. It is, at the most basic level, a bundle of deadly contradictions: a desire for power that strips me of all power. A gesture of strength that has divested me of all strength. A wish to prove that I need nothing, that I have no human hungers, which turns on itself and becomes a seering need for the hunger itself. It is an attempt to find an identity, but ultimately, it has stripped me of any sense of myself. It is a grotesque mockery of cultural standards of beauty that winds of mocking no one more than myself. It is the thing I believe has been keeping me safe, alive , contained...and in the end, of course, I've found its been doing the complete opposite. These contradictions have began to split me in two. My body and mind have fallen apart from each other, and it has been in this fissure that disorder has flourished, in the silence thats surrounded this confused, obscured, and insecure little girl.
Jan. 6th, 2008 | 07:38 pm
I feel so incredibly deprived lately. Deprived of most of my emotions. I either feel increasingly fucking numb, or I feel overwhelming pain. I wish there were an in-between, maybe some good emotions. I do admit, sometimes I get a moment where I suddenly realize "wow, this is how I am suppose to live" but then something always happens to fuck it up. Dont get me wrong, the bad situations always make me appreciate the good situations more. But I can't help but wonder, when will the good things in life overrule the bad things?
Dec. 27th, 2007 | 05:49 pm
mood: 
scared
I am starving for a way to be good enough. I am starving for a way to change things... I am tired of this fucking empty void that I can't seem to get away from me. If I just keep going, If I just keep trying....soon the day will come that I will be happy, I will be content, and I will be loved
Oct. 12th, 2007 | 03:37 am
I think I have realized that ignoring a problem does not in any way make it go away. It only makes things worse, for a problem left ignored will only grow over time. Wounds left unmended over time will only become more infected....just like a heart that no longer wants to beat. I believe that solving a problem requires time and energy...both of which I have nothing left of. I am sad to say that I just dont feel like trying anymore...
Sep. 29th, 2007 | 02:51 pm
I haver realized. My greatest fear is being discovered for who I truely am. & In a sense, I am coping with the overwhelming thought of losing myself in my own identity. I am unable to differentiate who I am anymore.
Sep. 29th, 2007 | 11:51 am
Is there such thing as self-corruption? Can you corrupt yourself by doing things that just aren't good for you? What if the effects are so intoxicating,that there is no way out? The consequences make it difficult to breathe.
Sep. 27th, 2007 | 11:36 pm
Another thing. I think its hilarious how someone says they care about you, and the MINUTE things go wrong, its this big ordeal. Suddenly they hate you, your no longer important enough for the whole "top friends" on myspace, all pictures of you two together have IRONICALLY disappeared, and your suddenly being ostracized by their friends. SO funny. Being loved cannot exist if your not mature enough to love somebody else. And this means loving somebody no matter what, no matter how angry you are, no matter how upset you are over them. Love does conquer all, but only if you let it. You cant push your feelings away for someone. Ever
Sep. 27th, 2007 | 10:09 pm
mood: 
numb
Growing up is fucking tough. People who tell you it isnt, are lying. I have come to realize its the most difficult thing we can possibly do. We come along things in life that just don't seem fair, and we wonder why the hell its happening. We also come along things in life that just seem too good to be true, and we wonder what we did to deserve them. But sometimes, when the most difficult things come across us in life, is letting go the only way we can grow up? And does moving on REALLY get us anywhere in life? What if I dont want to let go & move on with my life? Does this mean I am stuck in the same time frame, just continuously doing the same things over and fucking over again, not getting ANYWHERE?! I have noticed that the most painful things to do are almost the best things for you. and I have noticed that everytime I try to do something so I can become better, so I can stop hurting, it is automatically seen as something selfish and cold. I can't keep doing things for other people, I can't allow myself to be walked on, just for the happiness of other people. There is only so much I can take, I can only be so strong until I break.
Sep. 22nd, 2007 | 03:51 pm
I have spent the majority of my life analyzing myself and my mistakes, but it seems my life has gotten to the point that I dont know when I am doing something wrong. I can't explain why I do the things I do, I cant explain why I say hurtful things, I cant explain my mistakes. I cant even explain why I feel so fucking numb. I just want this all to be over
Sep. 8th, 2007 | 09:42 am
location: my room
starvation fills a void inside when it's approval from you I crave. The desire for anything is gone and you are there again... yelling... and its negativity I consume. Times like this filled with the pounding urge to run far away and disappear... the reflection staring back at me is not what you see... my guilt running the need to destroy my duration... forcing me to seek guidance on an empty plate of stolen dreams. Emotions control me... make me hide in a safe place of silence.... my mind stays distant from what my heart feels. If I say it... it's real... so I say nothing. I can't touch it... if I did I would curl up or crumble. I may seem to be made by heart of stone.... but really just chalk... and I'm afraid to face the possibility that I could easily turn to dust.....
Aug. 19th, 2007 | 11:44 pm
mood: 
melancholy
it's ridiculous to think that one person could cry so much in a span of just a week . Sometimes I cry uncontrollably and for no apparent reason and there are other times where I end up crying because my feelings are constantly being hurt. Some people just don't have any respect for others privacy and that is what really tears me apart. The fact that people I thought cared about me, really dont. And I know that I fucked up the only good thing I had in my life, but why do people have to go and ruin the next best thing, my friendships? Its like I am just an animal with a flesh wound and you all are the fucking vultures who swoop down on me when I am hurt. Some fucking friends. The least you could do is just ignore it, because your not perfect either and you make mistakes too. I wish I could just fucking stop the crying because then I feel weak. Sometimes when I cry, I'll actually feel physical pain... I end up grasping for my chest, it's as if my heart is constricting and I'll start gasping for air, because it'll become difficult for me to breathe. Its become more difficult to find the strength to even inhale and exhale, as if my body just doesnt want to do it anymore. I just cant stop it. Even at this very moment, as I sit in my room and type this out, I am trying to keep my tears and not expose my vulnerability and emotions, but all I want to do right now is just cry. I don't want to cry anymore.
Aug. 19th, 2007 | 07:58 pm
mood: 
pessimistic
It is over. Hes gone... why do we have to part while the love is still there? Why do we have to suffer? Why do we have to cry when somebody bids goodbye? Why do beginnings have an end? Why do we have to meet only to lose in the end? There are questions left unanswered, words left unsaid, letters left unread, poems left undone, songs left unsung, love left unexpressed, promises left unfufilled. In a relationship, one of the hardest things to do is to say good bye and let go. It is hard as breaking a crystal because youll never know when you will be able to pick up the fucking pieces again. At the beginning and end of a relationship, we are embarassed to find ourselves alone. And unfair as it may seem, but thats just the way love goes. Thats the drama, the bittersweet and the risk of falling in love. After all, nothing in the world is constant but change. Everything will eventually come to its end without us knowing when, without us knowing how, without us even knowing why. And we must forget not because we have to, but because we need to. In letting go, sorrows come not as a single spy but in a battalion. It seems that everywhere you go, everything you do, every song you hear, every turn of your head, every move of your body, every beat of your heart, every blink of your eye and every breath that you take always reminds you of him. Its like a stab of a knife, a torture in the night. Funny how the whole world becomes depopulated when only one person is missing. Just imagine, there are billions of people on earth, and yet it seems you feel lonely and empty without the other. I dont know if its worth calling an art, but letting so entails special skills sparkled with a considerable space and time. Time heals all wounds but it takes a little push on our part. Not all love stories end with "...and they lived happily ever after." Sometimes we have to part because of circumstances beyond our control. We have to suffer if it would mean happiness for others. We have to cry to temporarily let go of our pain. Every beginning has its end like every dawn has its dusk. Its something we cant control, something we had to live up. Its over. Hes gone. But life has to go on. Goodbye doesnt always mean forever. There will always be a place and time where questions will be answered, words will be spoken, letters will be read, poems will be recited in the night, songs will be sung in harmony, love will be expressed in solitude and promises will be fufilled. Somewhere. Somehow. Someday.
Aug. 19th, 2007 | 06:31 pm
I wrote this in my journal, so I decided to add onto it
If life is all just a game, and we are all the players, then how to we know if we have won? Is death considered "game over"? Does falling in love proceed us to higher levels? How do we know if we are doing the right thing in life, or if we are choosing the right path? How the fuck are we supposed to know when our lives are spinning out of control? And when the time comes to fix it, do we rely on fate or take it into our own hands? I have so many god damn questions with no answers.... My biggest question is how do our lives change from great to shitty so fast? Are our lives planned out by a higher power, toying with us every second, building up our lives just to watch them crash much sooner...Just like a silly game? Does this mean things really do happen for a reason? Do we experience pain so we can enjoy pleasure? Are we plagued with sadness so we can rejoice in happiness? So we can learn to appreciate life for what it is....beautiful. And despite its imperfections, it is the best thing we have.
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